Left behind with a darkened mind
by hidethespider
Summary: Sirius Black had spent twelve years in Azkaban when a newspaper article changed his perspective. Suddenly overtook by an old memory of the fateful Halloween night that forever changed who he was and darkened his mind, made him ponder and finally decide it's time to actually commit the murder he was accused of. Quite sad, angsty oneshot of the grieving friend who was left behind.


**Yes yes, I know. I should be updating my ongoing fics, but it seems I just can't stop with the oneshots. The first part of this has been laying around for several years, and the finishing part for some months. It just needed some final overlooking and editing and now it deserves to be shared. Appreciative of any feedback, as usual. English is not my first language. I do not own Harry Potter, because if I did all my headcanons would be canon. Thanks for reading!**

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He stared straight forward at the damp, dripping stonewall in his cell. He was beating himself up as usual. In the newspaper he'd nicked yesterday he'd learned that the year was 1993. Twelve years he'd been rotting in that cell. Twelve years had passed since he had lost his best friends, and still he hadn't stopped blaming himself for their deaths. You are a coward Sirius Black, a voice in his head whispered. You spend twelve years hiding in here when you have a godson out there to take care of, like you promised them you would. You are such a failure, another voice quickly retorted. Stop it! It's better for Harry Potter to not know. How could I ever face him if he learns his parents died because of my idiotic mistake? his own conscious mind reply angrily

These voices in his head had been going on and on like this for days, and turned even worse after he saw that article about the Weasleys in the paper. The youngest boy had a rat on his shoulder, and it wasn't just a nyrat. It was a rat called Scabbers - also known as a despicable, disgusting, awful piece-of-shit, who had once been his friend. He would know that rat anywhere. It was partly because of him that bastard learned how to turn into a rat in the first place. Him and _James_. Still, after all the years, just thinking the names of his dead friends hurt. _James, James, James, James_. He deserved the pain. _James_ and _Lily_. _James_ and _Lily_. _Potter, Potter Potter_.

Sirius Black raised his hands and pressed them to the side of his head. It had taken him long enough, but he honestly believed he was finally starting to go mad just like every other prisoner in this hell hole.

 _Suck it up coward. You can just turn into that big, black, stupid dog of yours and walk out of here to do some good. At least you could try to deserve your place here, to escape to actually commit the murder you were accused of, and then, if you like it so much here, you can just come back, right?_ , yet another voice said. And suddenly the man reacted.

" _He's at Hogwarts…"_ , he mumbled. His throat was dry after so many years of silence, but he tried again. _"He's at Hogwarts."_

Suddenly, a flashback overtook his mind.

 _It was Halloween. He lay sprawled out on the sofa in his Diagon Alley apartment. "Ah, screw this", he said to himself and rose up. He was tired of taking orders. He wanted to go James, Lily and Harry. He hadn't seen them in way too long, on Dumbledores orders, but he didn't care anymore. Perhaps the Marauders could be split, but to keep James Potter and Sirius Black apart for too long was like ripping the core out of a wand and then try to use it. It wouldn't work._

 _He grabbed the keys and his jacket when he came into the hallway, locked the door and walked out. Then he caught himself laughing. What's the point of locking the door in this time of war, anyway?_

 _The motorbike he'd purchased about a year earlier, stood there waiting for him, as loyal as always, parked in muggle London outside of the Leaky Cauldron. The sun had almost gone down now, but it didn't really matter. The time was just about ten minutes past nine, and he knew James. He wouldn't go to sleep for at least two more hours._

 _Just as he was about to put the key into the lock he felt the strangest feeling in his gut. Something was telling him to get to Godric's Hollow as soon as possible. Something was not right. Something was really, really wrong. "Oh no!", he thought. What if anything had happened to Lily and James… And H-Harry?_

 _He kicked the motorbike to a start and hit the gas, and then drove as fast as he could out of the city to where he could start the magical flying-device he, Remus and James had once created for the vehicle._

 _When Sirius Black arrived in the little village of Godric's Hollow that night he was met by the confirmation of those fears he had felt earlier. There had been a blast, destroying a large part of the upper floor of the Potter house – in fact, so much damage had been done that even a piece of the facade had been blown away. Sirius felt a heavy pressure in his chest realising what he was likely to find in there was he to walk inside. Yet, it didn't stop him. His best friend for more than ten years was very likely dead, and Sirius' insides were screaming, tearing at its own tissues._

 _He walked towards the front door which he had been walking through so many times, although not for a long while now. That was when he heard it. The sound of a small human in despair - baby cries. Harry!?_

 _While Sirius rushed towards the staircase he saw it. The limp, white body of James, laying cold dead on the floor just at the foot of the stairs. The hazel eyes were looking through the cracked rectangular glass of his spectacles, but were not really seeing. The lump in Sirius chest pressed even harder against his lungs, making it more difficult to breathe. How could this have happened? So many precautions, all of which Dumbledore (the greatest wizard in the last century) had been sure would work. And yet, the one thing that should not have happened did. How?!_

 _Sirius' thoughts were interrupted by another set of cries and screams from upstairs._ Harry! _Sirius continued upwards in the house and was met with another sight that hurt his very core. The beautiful Lily Potter, one of the most lovely people he had ever known also lay lifeless on the floor, wearing her favourite blue flowery dress, with her read shining hair splaying out around her head like gloria, enhancing the image of her being angelic.. Sirius turned away from the sight, it hurt too much._

 _That's when he saw the crib. Little one year old Harry Potter was sitting there watching the scene. A small part of his expression looked like he expected his mother to rise again any second, saying peek-a-boo to him, but the more time that had passed since Lily's body had met the floor, the little one seemed to be more and more anxious when she didn't._

 _"Hi there little buddy" Sirius said with a smile. Despite all the horrible things he felt inside him after having seen his best friends' dead bodies there was now a little light. Harry had survived, with only a lightning shaped scar as proof of the attack on the Potter family. Harry Potter was the legacy of Lily and James and he was_ alive _. They would, despite everything, live on in_ him _. Sirius picked up his godson and the love he felt at that moment didn't quite level with anything he had felt before. He knew he would do anything for this tiny little human, whether it meant laying down his own life... or even kill someone who was ever a threat to Harry Potter._

 _That's when it hit him... The Fidelius charm was without fault, he knew. He had researched it himself when Dumbledore had first mentioned it. The only person who could break it was the secret keeper... There were no loop holes. "Fuck", he whispered, and hugged Harry tighter for a moment before putting him back into his crib. The anger had started boiling within Sirius and he knew that when his Black genes started to come forward it was dangerous being near him, lest he exploded. "That filthy little rat!" He roared and Harry looked up at him, though not seeming scared at all. He had seen every side of his godfather, whom had never bent a hair on his head, and had no reason to be afraid. Harry only looked curious as to what was happening._

 _"I'm sorry", Sirius whispered to the child that he loved so much. "I convinced them to go with the rat rather than the wolf. If I had only trusted Remus more than Peter, this would not have happened. This is my fault." For the first time in many years, Sirius Black broke completely and sunk down into a limp pile on the floor and cried._ Sirius Black actually cried _. "This is all my fault!" he despaired._

 _Suddenly, heavy footsteps could be heard booming up the stairs. Sirius stood up quickly, in front of the crib and raised his wand. If he had to die to protect James and Lily's son against whoever the visitor was, so be it. He didn't even care if he died doing it - as a matter of fact, one part of him wished it. "Show yourself!" He growled at the heavy large form who had to bow down to be able to walk through the doorway into the nursery. As he had set one foot into the room a small ray of moonlight hit his grubby face. "Hagrid?!" Sirius asked out loud and exhaled. "What are you doing here?"_

 _"I'm 'ere on Dumbledore's behalf, to pick up 'e boy." Hagrid explained. Sirius forcibly grabbed Harry from the crib and hugged him tightly in his arms. "No, you can't take Harry. He is all that's left of_ them _. I'm his godfather. He is my responsibility now." Sirius cried desperately._

 _"Sorry Mr Black... Dumbledore is sure that Harry Potter will be safest with his aunt's muggle family. I'm meetin' 'im there later."_

 _Sirius furiously shook his head."Dumbledore can't mean he will leave Harry with that horrible family for_ ten whole years _before he goes to Hogwarts? Do you know how horrid those people were to Lily?"_

 _"I only have orders to pick 'im up and deliver him 'ere. I am sorry Mr Black." Despite his unwillingness, Sirius understood. With everyone involved in the protection of the Potters thinking him the secret keeper he would be in enough trouble as it was at the moment, and as much as he loved the little boy in his arms he knew that he might not be ready to take care of that boy the way he deserved. If anything he would be kept hidden from the wizarding world until he's old enough, Sirius thought. Another dark thought had started to build in him as well. He still had one job to do before he could give Harry all of his attention. There was an escaped rat out there that needed to be put in a cage... or rather, if Sirius could choose,_ a box in the ground _._

 _He kissed Harry on the head and just held him close for a moment. "I don't know when I will see you again and you might not remember me, but should you ever_ need _your godfather I'll be there, Harry Potter." He whispered and reluctantly handed the child over to Hagrid's waiting arms. "You are doing the right thing, Black." Hagrid said. "I know you will see it someday." Sirius nodded curtly, reached his hand forward to touch Harry softly over the head again, at the spot where the newly appeared scar was, before turning to face Hagrid. "Take my bike", he told his old half giant friend indifferently. "It was mine and James' thing. Has kind of lost its charm now. You need it better." Sirius said and tossed Hagrid a key which he used whenever he needed to start the bike around muggles._

 _Hagrid looked touched. "Are you sure, Black? You love that bike…" Sirius nodded determinedly. "The quicker Harry gets to safety, the better. Take the bike and go!" Hagrid put his large hand on Sirius' shoulder for a short moment before walking out of the room. Sirius could hear the bike jumping to a start and eventually the sounds of it faded. Sirius realised he didn't even miss it, because only one thought filled his head now._

 _He sat down beside Lily on the floor and closed her eyes before stroking a tendril of hair away from her cold white face. "I'm sorry Lily-flower; I am not just in the shape to look after your son right now. I am sure he is better off under Dumbledore's watching eye at the moment, even if that means he gets to stay with your sister. He will be safest there, in the muggle world, right now." Sirius was crying again and stood up to head downstairs to see James' dead body one last time as well._

 _He sat down on the lowest step of the stairs, took the glasses off his friend's face and closed the staring but not seeing eyes and put James' hand over his unmoving chest. "I am sorry, old friend", he sobbed. "I know you followed my advice to change the secret keeper because it was I who suggested it, and that's what got us into this mess. If there is any comfort, I will never forgive myself for it, James. I will do my best to help Harry should he ever need me and..." Sirius gritted his teeth. "I_ will _avenge you and Lily, if it's the last thing I do. That bastard will feel what happens to someone who betrays their friends. I swear, I will avenge you. I'll kill him. To be honest, I will_ enjoy _killing him..." Sirius laughed without humour between fits of sobs. "I know that if you had been alive you would have advised me against being reckless and told me he was not worth it. You were always the sensible of the two of us, you know, kept me somewhat in check in school, because you were the only one I truly listened to. That's what Lily saw you know, the change in you. Your change into a good, responsible and respectable man."_

 _Sirius leaned over his friend's cold body and cried against James' dusty shirt. "There is nothing I can do right now, neither for the two of you or for Harry, and the guilt is eating me up from the inside. I will feel better knowing the vermin who betrayed you can't continue his dark scheme. I have to find him, face him and kill him if necessary. I am sorry, but I_ need _this. It's the final thing I can do for you." Sirius gripped the shirt fabric with his fingers and let out a cry in despair. "I can't believe you are not here anymore. James Potter, who never left my side for more than two weeks in school... which only happened because I was an idiot in the first place pulling that dangerous prank on Snivellus. Things will never be the same without you, you know. If I could change places with you this moment, I would. I don't deserve to live when you don't, James._ It's not fair! _A world without you and Lily in it..._ It's not fair. _You both were life and light, not meant for death until you had bred ten children and were old and gray._ It's not fair! _"_

 _Sirius Black, who had never cried after the age of five, had reached the point where he doubted he had any more tears to shed. His eyes hurt with the effort, but he had no more tears, and that's when he knew he could not stay anymore. He let go of his friend's body, stood up and looked towards the staircase one more time in acknowledgement of his other friend upstairs. "I love the two of you. You are the only family I ever had who cared about me. I will avenge your deaths, I swear, even if I die doing it. At least then I would get to see you again… Rest in peace, friends. The darkness can't touch you anymore." Sirius shook his head, as if to shake away every ounce of sentimentality and leave it there with his friends, and walked out of the quiet house. The hatred and anger for one of his former best friends started to boil inside him again and for the first time in his young life he deliberately brought forward his_ Black _side, which he had done everything to suppress for the last fifteen years._

"He's at Hogwarts…" he muttered one more time as he was brought back to his own reality. He had sworn to his friends' to avenge their deaths, and yet for twelve years he had kept himself cooped up in this hell hole that passed for a prison - like the coward he was, when he had the means to escape anytime. The flashback did it though. He had wasted enough time. If there was one promise he would keep, this would be it, and he would not stop before Peter Pettigrew lay _rotting_ in his grave.

For the first time in twelve years, Sirius focused his mind as hard as he could on turning himself into the dog shape which had been an important part of him during school, and pressed his undernourished body through the bars of his cell door. The words _"He's at Hogwarts…"_ repeated themselves, over and over like a mantra in his head, until he found himself outside the jagged old Shrieking Shack just outside the little village of Hogsmeade in Scotland. He was so close and would not fail this time. _For the Potters…_


End file.
